Settling In?

Wow–it’s been almost 60 days since I last updated my blog. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t drama (OH THERE WAS!) but I wanted to spare all of you. I am, however, surprised at how many of you have reached out to ask me to update my blog—I didn’t think anyone was still reading this. I have to be honest—the last four months of my life have been 

Looking Up…

It’s so amazing what a difference a few weeks can make.  Things are definitely looking up due to joys from  incidents I’ll refer to as ”my rescue”, my “recovery” and my “reunion”….and I am also trying to “look up” more too, thanks to a reminder I got during

Is This Some Sort of Joke?

That’s what I have been thinking for the last 2 weeks. I’d had so many bizarre and frustrating experiences that I keep waiting for someone to jump out from behind a tree or trash can and yell “you’re on candid camera”. I drafted a whole blog about the last two weeks but it was a bit too unbelievable and depressing so I deleted it and chose to instead share only some of my stories in the form of the “Top 10 Most Interesting Observations about Living in DC”:

From Apathy to Empathy…

People still tell me how proud they are of me for making the decision to join IJM. They call me courageous. But the truth is, I’m keenly aware that I was apathetic for years. I knew peripherally about IJM’s work for almost 3 years before I did anything. And today, there are 27 million slaves in the world. I now struggle with why (despite being a compassionate person) I found it okay to do nothing.

“Just act like you know what you are doing…”

That’s what everyone said to me when I tried to get tips on what it would be like to ride the DC metro. I’ve never experienced the metro in DC, but now have to ride it for work, so advice would have been helpful. But no one seemed to want to offer any up—they just made generic comments like “you’ll figure it out” and “be confident”. One friend even told me “no matter what you do, NEVER trade your high heels for tennis shoes on your commute to work—it is simply not PC”. But what I really needed was information on where I was going, how to buy my ticket, etc. After all, I’ve only been in a subway once in my life and that was in New York about 12 years ago with my sister Kim taking charge of everything (including abruptly pulling me by the arm just as I was about to unknowingly slide into a seat with feces on it—YES, FECES.) But for the DC metro, I was on my own.

For some people, the idea of riding the metro for the first time is just another one of life’s little adventures. But for me, you need to know it was a source of anxiety for the entire week prior. Because I never experienced it, think my mind defaulted to every possible negative thought–I kept thinking about all those people crammed into the car, invading each others’ personal space. And I was paranoid about crashes and all sorts of scary things like being robbed or something (thanks mom for the paranoia gene, and I say that with tons of love). I daydreamed about my 2007 Infiniti G35 Coupe that was parked in my garage in Seattle, and while still committed to making this metro thing work for the long haul, wondered if I’d bail on the metro as soon as my car arrives in DC.

On September 14th, I departed my apartment sporting the new suit (yes Microsoftees, suits every day) and my fantastic pointy-toe 3.5 inch heels…Ipek Tunca style. The night before, I looked up my route online so I could be as prepared as possible. (getting on the wrong train might send me over the edge) I headed toward the metro and kept thinking ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING as I approached the escalator headed down to the tunnels. THIS ISN’T SO HARD. When I reached the bottom of the escalator, I had two choices, go through the turnstile and head toward a train or buy a ticket at the special metro machine. Let me explain this machine to you. It is as tall as a human and is VERY confusing if you’ve never seen it before. DO I NEED A FARECARD, FULL FARECARD OR DAYPASS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? OKAY, DON’T PANIC. YOU’RE A MARKETER—A MARKETER LIKELY WROTE THE CONTENT WRITTEN ON THIS MACHINE. THERE MUST BE A DEFINITION OF EACH OPTION SOMEWHERE ON THIS MACHINE. (Nope.) CRAP. THERE ARE PEOPLE WAITING FOR THIS MACHINE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. LET ME LOOK AGAIN AND SEE IF I CAN FIGURE THIS OUT. (Nope.) OK. LET ME JUST GUESS WHICH ONE SEEMS MOST LOGICAL AND PUSH THAT BUTTON. (Oops.) I THOUGHT THE AVERAGE PERSON IS AT A 7th GRADE READING LEVEL—SHOULDN’T THIS BE EASY ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE WITH A 7th GRADE EDUCATION? I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY. WAIT—DOES THIS MEAN I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH TO RIDE THE METRO? OK THIS IS NOT PRODUCTIVE—I NEED TO GET TO WORK. MAYBE I SHOULD ASK SOMEONE. DON’T ASK SOMEONE–YOU’ll FEEL DUMB. OKAY, I’ll GET OVER MY PRIDE AND ASK SOMEONE. OH GREAT–HE IS NEW HERE TOO SO HAS NO CLUE AND EVERYONE ELSE IS IGNORING ME AND RUNNING FOR THEIR TRAIN. I GUESS I’LL GO ASK THE MAN IN THE INFORMATION BOOTH. He sort of looked at me funny; especially when I asked a clarifying question that now in retrospect was in fact dumb, but I got the information I needed and successfully procured my first metro card.

Lucky for me, I CAN read signs, so I followed the sign to the proper train with little drama. BE CONFIDENT. What’s funny about this is that they tell you to make eye contact with people so they think you know what you are doing and are hence less of a target for crime. But what I’ve learned is if you make eye contact with men, many of them think that you are flirting with them so it gets awkward really quick. HMMM—NOTE TO SELF—FIGURE OUT A NEW STRATEGY FOR LOOKING CONFIDENT WITHOUT APPEARING FLIRTY. My first train arrived and I couldn’t believe what I saw as I looked through the windows—all the seats were taken and people were standing, crunched in like sardines. I’M NEVER GOING TO FIT IN THERE. WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE WALKING TOWARD THE TRAIN? WE ARE NOT GOING TO FIT IN THERE. UM PEOPLE–WE NEED TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT TRAIN. Apparently you are supposed to get on the train no matter how packed it is if you want to get to work anytime between 7-10, so I gathered the courage to be assertive and make my way onto the train where I proceeded to invade people’s personal space and have mine invaded. I held onto the bar with a death grip as the train pulled out of the station. I quickly noticed that people don’t talk on the train. It’s sort of like what happens when you get on the elevator. THAT’S OK—I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THEM ANYWAY—THIS IS TOO STRESSFUL FOR ME RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO WATCH THE SIGNS SO I KNOW WHEN WE REACH MY STOP.

We finally did reach my stop, which was a transfer station. (my commute requires 2 trains) I found my way to the next train and was delighted to find that there were seats available on this one. GOOD—MY FEET ARE KILLING ALREADY. AND I’M SWEATING. IS IT HOT IN HERE? THIS SUIT IS REALLY HOT. For security reasons, I can’t give more details about my commute, other than to say that I’ve got about a 10 minute walk to the office after my metro rides. Not long after my walk began, I realized that my feet were killing from the high heels and I think the inside of my suit was like 120 degrees. GREAT—I”LL BE A WRECK BY THE TIME I GET TO THE OFFICE. THERE MUST BE A BETTER WAY. AND WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE? THIS COULD BE SHADY AT NIGHT. IF I GOT ATTACKED (thanks mom!) I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO OUTRUN SOMEONE IN HIGH HEELS. COULD I EVEN OUTRUN SOMEONE WITH MY TENNIS SHOES? I NEED TO GET TO THE GYM.

By day three, I had wised up. Carried the heels and wore the cute black tennis shoes with the suit. Comfort over fashion (Sorry Kisha and all the friends who will be disappointed in me). It was great—I had a new spring in my step and pushed my way into the trains like I lived here for years. I also figured out that if I CARRY my suit jacket, I won’t be all disheveled by the time I get to the office. I can’t believe I’m blogging this. But this is my life—so many little changes make for fun daily mini-dramas. Welcome to DC. Next week’s task is to figure out how to get the guys who yell stuff at you when you are walking down the street to stop doing that……

To all subscribed to my blog…

1.) Thanks for reading–I’m honored that you are interested in what I have to say. 2.) Sorry if you’ve received repeated RSS feeds of the same post while I was learning how all of this works. I don’t anticipate any repeats in the future. thanks! Amy

September 11th: Sister or Saint?

MACHINE. That’s the word I’ve chosen for my sister Kim last week. She came to Seattle to help me do errands and wrap things up before I headed to DC.  I kept telling her that there wasn’t much to do until I fly back to meet the movers (no my house hasn’t sold yet)—and nothing can be packed because my house needs to be “showable”. But she insisted that I was underestimating things and had more to do than I thought. She told me that going from 1800 square feet to 670 square feet was a big deal and that I was going to hate life the day the movers come if I didn’t start getting organized. She was so organized and awesome. She woke me up every morning, often saying “rise and shine (song our mom used to sing to us) just to needle me a bit. “No time to sleep in—we’ve got a lot to do” she’d say every day. And boy did we do a lot.

We had some fun too—like the time she found a box with Christmas gifts I forgot about in the garage. “Amy Lynn!! (in my mother’s tone of voice)..there are cards with money clothes and all sorts of things in here—did you ship these from PA because they wouldn’t fit in your suitcase and then forget about these?” Oops. (that is SO me by the way..at work I am SO organized..personal life, not so much) She held up gifts including shirts from my sister Jamie and rolled her eyes when I got really excited and said “no way–sweet–those are awesome!!” She also found it comical that I had bags of old clothes marked “good will” all over my house but had never actually given them to good will. (per Kim that would change today) One afternoon while in my garage she picked up a bag of clothes and said “more good will I suspect—wait no—this says dry cleaning on it. Of course—why am I surprised? Amy Lynn (in mom’s tone again)—did you put dry cleaning out here and forget about it?” Oops. I opened the bag and found clothes I hadn’t seen in years. “Cool!”  She also took me suit shopping when she learned that I started at IJM in 3 days and only had 1 suit. Nordstrom loved us that day–8 suits in 3 hours and alterations completed with a “rush order” for pick up the next day. Those are just some examples from my time with Kim–she totally rocks. And for those of you reading this who are in my community group—YES—she shredded all the “kitchen drawer bills” for me—YAY! (took her about 5 hours in total J)

When Kim’s time in Seattle was over, she handed me an index card with a list of everything I had left to do. Too funny. She then continued to text message me from Sacramento to check in and make sure I wasn’t procrastinating. Thank God for sisters! It was so great to have her there because I was too overwhelmed to be productive on my own. By the time I left for DC on Saturday, I had accomplished so much in just four days thanks to Kim. House was still “showable” but ready for an easy move day. And over 40 errands-CHECK!

Sept 8: Last Day at Microsoft–WOW and Oh No!

I woke up at 6:00am and was in by 8:00am for my last transition meeting with my boss.  Between tying up loose-ends on e-mail and finishing transition meetings, the day raced by. Every once in a while I stopped to contemplate the view from the 24^th floor of our office in Bellevue, WA. I kept thinking of how surreal it was that I would likely never set foot in this place again.  And I couldn’t help but wonder “after 11 years, I’m quite comfortable and happy here—what will it be like starting over somewhere else?” And the reality that I start at IJM (www.ijm.org) in just a few days set in—“why did I not schedule any transition time between the two jobs?

Me and Bill Gates during my first year at Microsoft—1999

At 4:30pm, I was escorted to a goodbye celebration hosted by my boss. Many people (including team members, colleagues, my favorite execs and bosses from the past) joined to say goodbye—it was really great. They surprised me with a tribute video, which featured team members and other colleagues sharing memories and farewell sentiments. I was overwhelmed by the kind words and outpouring of support I received from everyone. After the party ended, I said goodbye to some of my closest friends at Microsoft, including a senior leader who was also celebrating his last week at MS as well in response to God’s call to Africa (www.urquharts.wordpress.com). I was sad to say goodbye to everyone, but was pleased that I only had a few emotional moments—I was keeping it together better than I expected I would—phew! What an amazing and memorable day!!!

At 6PM, I sat down at my desk, trying to figure how I’d get my final e-mails out, pack my desk and leave by midnight when my network access would be shut off.  AND THEN IT HAPPENED. I picked up a voicemail from my real estate agent saying that the buyer on my house in Seattle had backed out. (I later found out that one of my neighbors scared them off with jokes about topics that my buyers didn’t think were very funny. My lawyer sister told me my neighbor likely committed “tortuous interference with contract”—it is only by the grace of God that I did not later go postal on my neighbor!) That was it for me–the emotion of leaving Microsoft, leaving friends, moving to a new city and now losing my buyer broke me. I sobbed for over an hour.

Me, Bill Gates, Kate Kirsch, Julie Falvey in 2000 the day I won an award for my “Dot Combat” campaign

I kept thinking about the fact that I was leaving for DC in 4 days and starting at IJM in 5 days. I had always planned to fly back one more time to coordinate the movers, but not having my buyers anymore left everything too uncertain, so my stress level went through the roof. The biggest concern was that I had already secured a condo in Arlington Virginia, and the builder had kindly accepted an offer contingent on the sale of my current home—I now had only 8 days to sell my house in Seattle or I’d lose my place in Virginia. Everything seemed to be unraveling. I tried to finish my emails but I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to pack my desk, but I was so overwhelmed and felt like my brain wasn’t working—I couldn’t process what should be kept vs. throw away. So I just sat in the chair and cried.

I finally called my sister Jamie (who also works at MS and was coincidentally in Seattle on a business trip) who came to my rescue. She picked up my other sister Kim (who was in Seattle to help me do errands during my last week) and brought her to the office. They insisted on taking me to dinner downstairs to get my mind off things for a while. I wasn’t hungry but I went anyway because I was in no condition to argue. I didn’t talk much at dinner (except to talk to Jenn Blanco from HR who called to check in on me—she rocks!) and kept thinking “God I know you have a plan but this is a HUGE curveball—please give me the strength to trust You.”

 

Steve Ballmer and Kevin Johnson with me and my sister Jamie the day we both won ironically won the company’s annual “Circle of Excellence” award the same year.

After dinner, my sisters (at my request) headed back to my house while I went back upstairs to pack my desk and close things out. The cleaning people had come while I was at dinner–and they took my empty boxes, so I just laughed and wondered how I would pack now.“ Are you serious, Lord?” Then Jeff Shirk (awesome team member) ‘randomly’ showed up back in the office.  Apparently he was at a partner dinner and needed to stop by his desk for something—AND he ‘just so happened’ to have some boxes in his cubicle for me. Jeff probably thought nothing of it, but I think he saved me from another meltdown. Around 11PM, I sent my final goodbye e-mail to the awesome US Partner Marketing Team, took a deep breath as I scanned the room one last time. I rode the elevator down to the parking garage and left the building. For a moment I thought “wow this is sort of sad—I’m walking down these dark hallways for the last time and leaving the building all by myself.” And then I thought “get over yourself, drama queen!!”

That night I woke up at 2AM with one of the worst migraines of my life—no surprise given the stress from the last 24 hours. I took my migraine medicine but it didn’t work. I could barely stand or see and decided I needed to go to the emergency room—that is always the last line of defense when nothing else works. But then I realized it was after midnight and I no longer had medical benefits, so I woke my sister Kim and she took care of me for a few hours.

The next morning, I was SO depressed. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone and my heart was in despair. But I soon felt convicted by the Holy Spirit and realized that I was not doing a very good job of trusting God in the last 24 hours. His handprint is ALL OVER this change in my life. He has been with me every step of the way. He is not going to abandon me now—He NEVER abandons His sheep. So I gave myself one more hour to have a pity party and then went upstairs and prayed “Lord—I’m handing this to You.  I thought you were very present in my acquisition of the place in Virginia, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I won’t get a buyer in time and will lose it. But I know You have a perfect plan—so Your will be done.”

 

Ed Render, me, Steve Ballmer, Lisa Sheppard back in 1999—this picture is such a great reflection of me—always talking!

Leaving Microsoft to join the International Justice Mission

The room was dark. Curled up in a ball on the floor of my bathroom, I cried. It was 2004, and this was my daily ritual. Each evening, I came home from my great job at Microsoft only to face the harsh reality that my life was empty. I was rich in possessions, had a thriving career and a family that loved me, but my spirit was broken. I had just suffered the second most painful breakup of my life, and was amidst a season of suffering based on some wounds from many years prior that had re-surfaced. I felt alone and didn’t know why I had to endure so much suffering. After all, while I made many mistakes, I always tried to be a sincere, good and giving person. Wasn’t that enough?

The tears flowed like always, but this night was different than the rest. This night, I took a deep breath and called to God and said something like “Okay, I know I’ve been ignoring you, but if you really are out there, I beg you to please rescue me”. The events that unfolded shortly after that can only be described as divine intervention, because they were so magnificent, so miraculous, so captivating that God made a lasting impression on me. I began to understand Jesus, and my relationship with Him became personal (a statement I used to mock Christians for making in the past).

I was so moved by His presence in my life that I wanted to honor Him and serve Him in every way possible. So I asked Him if I should leave Microsoft and go do something “more noble”? I laugh now looking back, because I was so naive about what it meant to do something to glorify God. I now know that everyone, in any job or circumstance, has the opportunity to glorify God and impact others in his/her work. It’s not about where you work but how you do it and the fruit that it bears. Anyway, I got a very strong sense that I was being prepared for something and had a newfound desire to use my marketing skills to “serve the kingdom” by helping others. But an indescribable whisper came over my soul, telling me that it wasn’t time yet.

Over the next 6 years, I worked hard at Microsoft and was very blessed with opportunities to take on big challenges and work with some of the smartest, most incredible people I’ve ever met.  During that time, I could feel God slowly chipping away at some of my “trouble spots” (a term I use to refer to beliefs buried so deep that they continue to be the source of conflict and pain in my life). For example, the previous motives (power and money) fueling my desire to advance to executive level began to dissipate, and my passion became more about the journey than the destination. The unrealistic desire to achieve perfection and validation in everything I do (which only masked insecurity) was replaced with an awareness that my identity should be found in Christ alone and a passion to understand that concept better. Also, I began to see that my desire for control in situations was the result of unhealed wounds deep in my heart that needed to be surrendered. My values about money changed, and I finally understood the expectation (and fulfillment) that comes from remembering (and acting on) that “to whom much is given, much will be required” vs. spending every Saturday at Nordstrom.  And so on.  By no means am I perfect. I still struggle with many of these things today and see myself as a sinner just like everyone else, but those who are close to me can attest that with every day I spend on this earth, my heart continues to be refined and my eyes are further opened. I am so thankful that God loves us all so much that he is willing to invest in such a personal way if we ask Him to.

So in September, I will begin my journey with the International Justice Mission, a human rights organization that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation and other forms of violent oppression. I can’t wait to get started!!!

Mid-life crisis? Nah…I’m only 32. While most people I’ve told about my decision to leave Microsoft respect what I’m doing, there are some that, while they respect it, still think I’m insane for leaving after 11 years. On paper, I have everything I ever wanted: a  senior leadership role overseeing an organization of smart and fun people…..a great paycheck….a nice bank of unvested stock awards guaranteed to leave me comfortable in retirement ….a coveted spot in the Americas Leadership Development program….etc. Microsoft is an ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE company to work for. “Why leave it all behind?” they ask.  The answer is simple: God’s work in my heart and His call for me to serve at IJM has been undeniably clear.  And I want to live His highest will for my life. I want to be obedient.

Called? The second thing people ask me is how I know that I have been called to IJM. It’s very hard to articulate what it feels like to have the Holy Spirit convict me of something but I’ll try. This calling is something that I pieced together after many years of prayer. First, I found myself frequently asking Him to reveal His will for my life and put me on that path. Second, when God changes you it is probably for a reason, so when it became clear He was working on me, I started to pay attention.  I paid the most attention to dramatic changes in my values, such as a new desire He stirred in me a year ago to someday go to a non-profit. I told a few people close to me that my aspirations were changing—that I thought someday I’d like to be a Director of Marketing for a non-profit so I could use my skills to help people. I further added that Director of Marketing seemed like a cool role because I’d be in charge of strategy but would also have to be involved in execution because I’d only have a small (if any) team.  I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of my mouth, nor could pretty much anyone that knew me six years ago (after all, wouldn’t I consider that a step “down” from my current leadership role at MS?) Third, for the last 3 years, while there has been a TON of positive, I did struggle with seasons of “restless discontent” in my leadership role. Each season would strangely end with a newfound passion for my next leadership challenge. But the distance between each season got shorter and shorter…first it was every couple years, then every year, then every six months, then every few. These feelings left me frustrated at times with a great turmoil inside—a knowledge (and excitement) that the time for God’s plan was drawing near, coupled with a fear of stepping out in faith into the unknown and less comfortable.  I am clear now that the “restless discontent” I struggled with over the years was God’s way of gracefully nudging me to step out. It was me that was changing, not Microsoft.  

When it finally became clear I was being called, I asked Him where I was to go. He then put the International Justice Mission on my heart and just to make sure I was super clear, He kindly gave me numerous signs confirming it. And the icing on the cake was the outpouring of support I received from senior leaders at Microsoft when I notified them of my decision to move on.

Moving On…

A new city. New friends. New house. New job. New church. There is a lot of change on the horizon for me over the coming months. It is overwhelming to think about sometimes…at times even a bit scary. But there are many constants too:  The friendships I’ve made at Microsoft that I’ll carry with me forever. The passion I have for making a difference in the world. The talented, humble team of professionals at IJM that I have the privilege to work with. God’s unfailing love and grace when I put my trust in Him. As I step out into this new adventure, those truths will guide and inspire me. -Amy

Here are some things that have inspired me along this journey…

• Descending into Greatness by Bill Hybels
• The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns
• Scripture: Matthew 4:19 (“Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men”)
• Song: Shine by Salvador
• My awesome church in Seattle: www.marshillchurch.org